Written March 6 2020
By: Kimmy Higginbotham
"I'll be a good wife", I say, and I believe it.
I have plans, ideas - big ideas.
I know how to care for other people
I know how to relax
no I don't.
But I have plans.
I bake beautiful, delicious pies.
Once a year...
Once a year I bake delicious pies and post pictures captioned "I bake... wife me"
I like finding new recipes for when I feel like cooking.
But... I don't cook.
There's never enough spoons to cook.
I plan to cook, and to bake, and to make love - often and because we want to - not to prove something.
I have plans.
My husband (or wife) will be loved and cared for.
I can fix things - broken things. I can hang things and build things.
And maybe those skills will help me to be a good wife.
If anyone ever "wifes me"
If anyone ever buys that I'll be good at it.
I'm already really good at long term.
Relationships last years for me, not months.
But I know the fear that stops the question.
I know because it's my fear, too.
It's not about baking or cooking or building or fixing.
It's not about the plans.
It's not even about the days the plan simply cannot work.
It's the fear of me being *me* ALL the time.
It's the fear that someday the fire that attracts will go out, completely.
It's knowing I can care for others but not myself.
It's days I can't get out of bed and nights I can't sleep.
It's "waking up without love" as I say on the days love has disappeared from my emotional vocabulary.
I *could* make a good wife someday, at least on some days.
But will I ever be able to be a good me.