May 9, 2020
When did you grow up? If you did...
My chest grew up long before my hands.
Which, as it turns out, was a problem.
Body, thoughts, emotions -
I was never in sync.
I've never known how to grow at the same rate.
My breasts are still too large, and my hands too small - although they have both aged significantly.
My face and joy are still young and naïve
Despite my very old eyes.
I can still pull enough youthful metabolism to have an hourglass figure, if I try hard enough.
But a (this) late in life pregnancy would be just enough to never bounce back from.
My joints have aged, it feels like overnight, and I regret not playing more sports over the past few years.
I don't know when I grew up or if my mind will ever catch up to the aching wisdom of my body.
Sometimes I'm already 80 in my sadness.
Sometimes I feel as sexy as 17.
Sometimes I'm still surprised and excited and as naïve as a 5 year old.
I don't know if I'll ever be whole.
I don't know if I'll ever be one solid "grown up".
I don't know if I ever even want to be.