More proof that I'm not who I once was not who I want to be. I dream of gardens and being connected to the Earth on an almost Druidic level, and yet I can't even sit for 20 minutes in nature without needing a distraction from my fear. I'm afraid of buzzing. Of bees. Of mosquitoes, ants, flies, spiders, lice, bird flu, snakes, ticks, wild boars, deer, wolves, coyotes... I want to roll in the grass, but I can't. I want to climb in a tree, but I can't. I want to commune with nature, but I can't. And it fucking sucks. Honestly, it may be the single most disappointing thing about me. It devastates me on a core level, and yet, my anxiety is raging inside me as I sit here. And it's so ridiculous. It's a phobia. I hope to God I can fight and overcome it. Maybe this class assignment will help a little bit... if I can learn to embrace it, focus on it. Really listen and be present instead of distracting myself with reading or writing or drawing. Perhaps I need to start this session over? Or maybe this is just what I learn from session one and tomorrow I do better. I did sit and listen and observe for six minutes before I had to step away, maybe tomorrow I'll get farther.
April 27, 2020